When Doors Slam Shut: Handling Rejection and Betrayal, Part 2

Note:  If viewing Part 2 on an iPad or other tablet, this particular post is best viewed in a landscape orientation due to some formatting issues specific to the mobile environment. Smart phones are fine in portrait mode.

So, continuing from Part 1 of this post, when a door slams shut in my life with someone who had previously added so much to the quality of it, here are some things I hope that I will have the ability to do, in terms of strength, awareness and self-discipline, and I would respectfully suggest, you should too:
 

• Make sure you’ve assessed the situation correctly. We all often perceive the actions of others in our own self-centered way without really knowing what’s going on in the other person’s life. What may seem to be an accurate conclusion about rejection or betrayal based on your observations and/or experience may in fact be completely skewed from reality.
  
  Therefore, make sure you have the facts about another person’s feelings, actions or intentions before drawing serious conclusions that may be completely erroneous. Those who tend to suffer from low self-esteem or other similar insecurities are especially at-risk in drawing such flawed conclusions – which in-turn does nothing more than cause unnecessary pain, anxiety and sadness to everyone involved.
  
  A terrible, selfish legacy to leave indeed. Even worse when it’s for no good reason.
  
  I would submit that it is far better to give another person the benefit of the doubt over and over and over and over, rather than to draw an erroneous conclusion about what you think they’ve done to you, which ultimately disrupts the relationship, and causes pain and sadness.

'Only the Lonely,' a song written by Martha Davis and recorded in 1982. In the words of its composer, essentially a song that, "....literally wrote itself. It's a song about empty success." At a time when she had critical acclaim and huge financial success, but was more unhappy than she had ever been - due to personal loss and rejection.

• However, when the point is reached when the rejection or betrayal is clearly unmistakable, as noted above – continue to love selflessly anyway. Continue to expect nothing in return.
  
  That does not mean you leave yourself in a position of vulnerability where you continue to get hurt even further. Get yourself out of any situation where that may continue to happen. What it does mean is that you must not devolve into bitterness and anger, particularly to the point where it inhibits your willingness to engage in further constructive, quality Social Interaction with others.
  

• Now think about this - there were qualities about the person who hurt you that were obviously exceptional enough to make you really like, or even love them. Those qualities haven’t necessarily changed even though your feelings have been profoundly hurt.
  
  Therefore, continue to love them, even though they may not give a damn about you. It will speed the healing process and you will be a much better person for it.
  
  I realize that this may be among the most difficult of things in life for any of us to do – as most of us are by nature very selfish beings. But please trust me on this: If you don’t follow this principle, your path will lead to profound unhappiness, and you will live a life unfulfilled. Trust me.
  

• Forgive the person for hurting you – even if it’s only in your own heart. And if possible, try to reconcile with them in a loving manner. Circumstances may be such that you may not be able to do this, but it is noble and right to try. But in doing this, do not leave yourself open to further hurt, betrayal or exploitation. You can still continue to love the person in an Agape way without putting yourself back into a vulnerable position. You want to be a loving, good person – not an idiot.

• Continue to pursue meeting others through the normal course of your Social Interaction as a flâneur. When one special person hurts you deeply, it always helps to have other special friends around who love you back and are there for you during the process of recovery. And absolutely force yourself to move forward in your pursuit of flânerie.
  
  When we’re hurting, there’s a natural inclination to withdraw into ourselves. Fight every inclination you have to do that. Every day spent hiding or sulking in a shell is a wasted day of precious life. Never take tomorrow for granted, as tomorrow is not guaranteed.

We'll continue to talk about the recovery process, including what not to do, and how to proceed next, in Part 3 and a few other subsequent blog postings.

© 2016  David Nogar   All Rights Reserved

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